repost
TW: Sexual Assault
As the memories surface, I'm reminded of the innocence I once held dear, shattered by the cruelty of another. Those haunting words, "They won’t harm me because I’m a child, right?" echo in my mind, a painful reminder of the misplaced trust I once held. I used to believe being a child meant safety, but oh, how dearly wrong I was.
Despite the scars that still chill my soul, I find solace in knowing that I am not alone. Me too. I am a survivor. A survivor of multiple occasions. A survivor of sexual assault. A survivor of rape. After years of struggling silently, of carrying a secret too heavy to bear, I've slowly started feeling more at ease in my own skin.
Writing this, on the eve of my birthday, feels like a moment of reckoning—a time to confront the pain I've hidden for so long. The weight of silence became unbearable, gnawing away at me until I couldn't bear it any longer. Breaking free from the prison of shame, I find strength in sharing my story, in reclaiming my voice. This moment is a testament to the resilience that resides within us all, a reminder that even in our darkest moments, there's a flicker of hope waiting to be ignited.
I wish I could simply say, "as I look back," although it wouldn't lessen the horrors any bit. There have been numerous instances where I was raped, not by one, but by multiple people, on multiple occasions. I'll attempt to avoid graphic details, but I apologize if it still veers that way, as such terrible things are inherently difficult to discuss.
I was raped by a group of school goers on a van, as I repeatedly yelled them to stop and cried the driver for help as they unzipped me and started to take away my innocence. I was feeling so vulnerable and defensless as a child. I felt my entire existence was meaningless. I cried. Cried a lot. All of them got away with it even when my parents complained. Nothing happened. It went by leaving scars within me still till to date. What was even terrible and grosser was many of them were my seniors and knew better and yet they chose to do the absolute worst and heart wrenching thing. An apology came a day after my parents complained but did that matter at that point? No. They should’ve been expelled, and imprisoned for that heinous thing they did to me as a child.
I wish this was the first and last one, but I was also sexually assaulted by our relative who was helping my family in house chores. He assaulted me on multiple occasions and over a course of months when I was barely 10 years old. He dismantled my innocence and got away with it without my family ever knowing of it. He took advantage of me when I didn’t know what disgusting thing he was doing to me. It sends shivers down my spine that he could do something like that to me. I wish he could realise how much damage he caused me as a bear minimum and I wish he could’ve been caught. I wish my family had done something and figured out. I wish he could’ve been tried. But nothing happened, nothing. It all left me with a gross guilt inside me for years and years.
I wish I could explain it more in detail and I wish I had strength earlier to talk about this guilt I was hiding within me. I never knew as a child, I could be a target of such gross and heinous acts, but it’s ok, it’s not my fault, it was never mine. I shouldn’t blame myself for the wrong acts of others. I shouldn’t feel guilty of that. One day I really hope their true faces come to light, and I wish I am able to move on from this and find strength in this vulnerability. This I feel was also correlated to my suicidal attempts later in life as these have been deteriorating on me as a person. I wish none of this had ever happened to me, but I can only uplift myself from this. And this is why I felt like sharing it with other peoples. I hope this helps people who have been a victim of such horrors and finds that sparkling candle within themselves. You are not alone I tell you that, we are one, we are there for each other. And I hope others also realise how much strength and vulnerability it takes to talk about this, it’s not easy.
