TW: self-harm
Imposter syndrome is that nagging feeling that you’re not as good as people think you are, that you’re just pretending and might get found out. It’s a feeling that a lot of us have, especially when we’re trying to be allies to marginalized groups. Even when you’re doing your best to stand up for what’s right, there are times when your actions don’t match your values, and that’s when imposter syndrome hits the hardest.
I’ve always seen myself as an intersectional feminist ally who stands firmly against misogyny, sexism, and patriarchy, as well as racism and other forms of discrimination. I’ve supported these causes by engaging in tough conversations, learning as much as I can, and living by principles of fairness and respect. But there are moments when I slip up...moments that make me question everything I stand for.
In the heat of an online game or during a moment of frustration, I’ve found myself using sexist or racially insensitive language. As soon as those words leave my mouth, I feel a rush of guilt. It’s like I’ve just betrayed everything I believe in. I start questioning myself: How can I call myself an ally when I’ve just used the very language I’m against? How can I support others when I can’t even control what I say?
The shame that comes afterward is intense. I’ve spent many nights lying awake, replaying those moments over and over, feeling the weight of regret. I’ve even cried, feeling like I’ve let down not just the people I want to support, but also myself. The guilt has sometimes been so overwhelming that it’s led me to some really dark thoughts. I’ve wondered if I even deserve to be here, feeling like a fraud, and at my lowest, I’ve struggled with thoughts of self-harm. It’s not just about feeling ashamed of the words I’ve used; it’s about the deep conflict between who I want to be and the mistakes I’ve made. I’ve questioned my worth as a person and as an ally. It’s been an extremely heavy burden to carry.
As I’ve worked through these feelings, I’ve been making efforts to understand why these slip ups happen. Part of it is due to cultural conditioning. I grew up in an environment where sexist and racially insensitive language was the norm. This was the language used by my family and old friend circles. Even though I’ve consciously rejected these ideas and worked hard to challenge them, they’re still buried deep in my mind. When I’m stressed or frustrated, I’ve noticed how easily those old habits can resurface, even when they go against everything I believe in. Additionally, I’ve reflected on the environments I find myself in, like the intense and aggressive culture of online gaming, which often normalizes harsh and offensive language. I’ve recognized how easy it is to slip into using the same language, even if it doesn’t align with my values.
Even though I understand why it happens, the guilt still lingers. But instead of letting it tear me down, I’m proactively using it as a way to improve. The fact that I feel guilty shows that I’m aware of the gap between my actions and my values. It means I care deeply about what I believe in. So rather than letting this guilt make me feel like a fraud, I’m using it as a reminder that I still have work to do and that I’m committed to doing it.
I’m learning that being an ally doesn’t mean being perfect...it means being honest with myself and others. It means accepting that I’m human, that I’m going to make mistakes, and that those mistakes don’t define me - they’re just part of the journey. I’ve made it a point to admit when I’ve messed up. In fact, I’ve come to realize that it’s necessary. Holding myself to an impossible standard only makes imposter syndrome worse and deepens the guilt. I’m working hard to see these moments not as proof that I’m a fraud, but as opportunities to grow, to learn, and to do better. It hasn’t been easy. There are days when the shame feels like too much to bear, when I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve let everyone down, including myself. But I’m learning to forgive myself, to see these moments as part of a larger process of becoming the person I want to be.
True allyship isn’t about never making mistakes... it’s about how we respond to them. It’s about the willingness to reflect on our shortcomings, to apologize when we’ve hurt others, and to keep pushing forward, even when it feels like we’re falling short. It’s about recognizing that growth is a journey, and that every step—no matter how small—brings us closer to the person we want to be.
I know I’m not perfect, and that can be hard to accept, but I’m deeply committed to changing my habits and growing from my mistakes. Each time I slip up, it hits me hard, but I actively try to see it as an opportunity to improve and become a better version of myself. I’m determined to keep working on who I am and the values I hold dear. I won’t let these setbacks define me, and I’m using them as motivation to keep moving forward, even when it’s difficult.
~Usman
